Why is it so hard for women to not be envious of each other?

I belong to a craft hobby group. Everyone in that group is quite talented in their own way. But there was a diamond in the rough “crafter” (as I discovered). She (never mentioned) that she was a ceramicist; quite a good one at that.  

And the other day, Olive posted up a photo of one of her ceramic pieces she made. Inspired by the marine life. The level of detail she put into it was a delight for the senses. And whilst admiring her work …

I felt a tinge of “envy”. I don’t know? It was so sudden. I wasn’t expecting it. I was surprised because: 1. I’m not even a ceramicist. I have tried and I am just not that good at it. 2. Why did I personally feel the need to be envious of someone else’s skill set? 

“Envy painting” By Dymphna Westwood

On this earth, everybody’s good at something; no one is good at everything. That’s life. 

The feeling was sudden. Intense. deep rooted I would say. It came and went in equal parts. It suddenly dawned on me – this is what many of us women must be experiencing when we try to bring one another down?

I have a clearer understanding of this emotion called: envy/jealousy. To be frank, these feelings are so challenging to understand, when they wash over us. 

Do we even recognise it as envy or (jealousy) or do we think it’s a feeling of threat? See how tricky emotions can be?

Anyhow, It brings me to the next point –

That, inside every woman is a battle she is waging with herself. Being in a group can trigger emotions of inferiority that perpetuates itself in ways that are not usually helpful. Because these emotions are so visceral and immediate, many tend to react to those negative feelings instead of questioning them? 

What I have come to understand about that very powerful feeling is that: we all need to slow down and ask more questions of such sensation. Feelings are not reality. They also need to be closely managed.

When we are not in control of our emotions, it is also difficult to be in control of our lives.

And … coming back to Olive –

In that flash moment of envy. I forgot to consider, how many terrible pieces Olive* would have had to make, in order for her to make a really beautiful piece that wows and delights her audience. 

I see many perspectives of this thing called “envy”.

It seems so benign until you understand the ramification; when it goes unchecked.

I have made peace with Olive’s gorgeous pottery and her post about it. All she is doing is promoting her work and trying to make some money on the side. What I feel has nothing to do with her or her work, it has everything to do with me. And when we recognise and acknowledge those “feelings” we can move on faster. Pretending that those negative feelings don’t exist will eventually eat us up inside. 

What we don’t acknowledge we can’t change. 

These feelings can be an opportunity to understand ourselves better. They help us understand why certain things trigger us? This understanding makes us better at managing our emotions. 

I have come to appreciate, that negative feelings can reveal parts of us. These parts either need healing or need awareness. So next time this happens, we can better manage our reactions. 

_______________________________________________________

My name is Nutchi. I write essays about the power of human connection, relationships and finding hope. I also explore healing through sharing stories. These are a collection of tales I found during my time of reflection. Some are from my experiences. Others have been inspired through conversation and other humanly connections.