Healing.
Noun. the process of making/becoming sound and healthy again.
Why would anyone want to heal? The path is narrow, the terrains are (let’s be honest) shit. So why? To weather the storms of life with some level of comfort and assurance.
I realised what I just typed sounds like the ultimate contradiction. And maybe it is. In order to cope with life, we first have to feel like crap and slowly bring ourselves back to the place that was always meant for us.
To undo all the traumas of life takes time; letting go of the old ways, to make room for the new ones is not as easy as one might think. It is an almighty effort.
I would know. I was that person trying to divorce myself from myself and rid of all the anger I had accumulated in my lifetime. I just didn’t know how much trauma I had collected over the years. I would suppress and sweep the negative to the shadow self, never for it to reemerge. But reemerge it does and it would show up in my day to day.
I was not aware enough to recognise the devastation it was having on my life.
Barely hanging by a thread, and should like go unexpectedly south, there was little coping mechanism.
I am only human. I am fearful and full of shortcomings, but I wanted to feel whole. This was the beginning of it all.
I was (on all accounts) sick of being sick and tired of hating myself. What does it look like to accept oneself ? To be ok with flaws and to accept my own mistakes and grow from them ?
I was an emotional hot mess and I was hurting those around me (upon reflection).
I wanted to be a better, kinder person but I was in such a state that I could scare a stray dog. Everything starts from within.
It took one lucid day and a sense of desperation I had never felt before, I wanted a different version of myself. I just didn’t know how this desire would ask everything of me.
but I wanted to love someone and I suppose … to be loved. But what sane person wants to be with a volcano?
It took years. It took real, real hard work and a laundry load of honesty to heal and get better.
The anger part was the most brutal. I was like a relapsing addict. Who knew anger could be so comforting and so destructive all at the same time.
Anyway …
You can’t heal without desperation. It sounds odd, but the trajectory is so hard that you need something greater than yourself to propel you forward otherwise you will give up.
Now that the necessary parts of me has been worked on, I can honestly look back and say that it was well worth it. Like all good things – it starts with a yes from the self. And – things that will bring you the greatest joy will also ask for the very best of you. That is the double edged sword.
Peace, joy, and freedom are not free. They are paid in authenticity. Not to the world, but to myself.
The storms of life have not stopped and the journey is still freakin’ bloodthirsty. But I am more equipped at dealing with it. Not because I am any different from any one else? But the fact that I survived the turbulent part of my life and I am still standing is a testament to the fact that we as humans; humanity as a whole is a lot more robust than we give ourselves credit for.
Healing gives you clarity.
Feelings are just that. They are not facts.
To heal is to hope. To believe in a brighter future. To live that life that is quietly birthing inside all of us, but we are too afraid; encumbered by fear.
It takes permission from yourself, to that future self. To know that, a life less ordinary is possible to all.
A ruminating Heart 