This is a two part post about my understanding of betrayal. The second part, when I learn to overcome the hurt, to find healing.
This topic of betrayal has been floating inside my head for quite some time, waiting to be written. I suppose now is a gooder time than any other.
I ponder on the people I have come across. That ex narcissistic boss who (for one full working year) made my life hell. The acquaintance whose bad intentions I overlooked and a couple of others along the way. I sure was not (and still not)in short supply of betrayers.
I have wanted to write this piece for quite some time but somehow, I have always pushed it back to “tomorrow”. Tomorrow I will write this post.
This piece required a little bit of self convincing and courage where I lay bare my honest feelings. To me, it feels really vulnerable; akin to being naked.
But how could I sincerely write about what I have come to learn without inserting my own shortcomings and pain. Then – it wouldn’t be much of a story. It would feel more like a quote or some weird lecture from some unknown on the internet.
Now that house keeping is out of the way, I can now discuss.
Those who have caused me the deepest pain, you know the ones that used to live inside my mind rent free? The one where I think about them causes uncontrollable internal rage. They (upon reflection) are in fact, the kindest people to me.
What made me angry was never about the person/people, but everything to do with what I did and didn’t do. That was my starting point to healing.
I know it sounds odd … but here me out.
Mark.The narcissistic ex-boss who made sure that I never thrived in my job, saw everything as a competition. These conditions produced an opportunity grow in areas where I was weak. I cried my way through it and developed a bitter resentment towards him.
Pain is a powerful teacher. if … we allow ourselves the possibility of a different perspective.
Then … there was Celia, who on the surface acted like she wanted to be your friend but was scheming to bring you down at every interval. She was my second dose of boundary setting. She and I had very different agendas for our acquaintanceship. She would offer to help and use my “lack” as a weapon to humiliate me in front of our social circle. But she too came into my life and served me some very valuable lessons.
Celia was the final straw that taught me not to ignore the warning signs. That, no matter how good I thought I was at reading people. Deception comes in different shapes and forms. Listen to that gut feeling. It never lies.
There were a few other ones in the mix, but my point is not to name them all. They are my past, and my path crossed theirs, because I had areas in my life that I needed to grow.
All the scenarios of disappointment and “betrayal” that I had personally experienced, I have come to understand that, they were a blessing.
How? I hear you ask?
Well …
As humans, all we want is to be comfortable. In order for all of us to reach our potential and fulfill that dream that quietly gives birth inside of us, we all need to get pushed.
Growth never happens in comfort
I also had to learn the art of forgiveness. Now … this was a tricky one.
Between Mark and Celia. They took nearly the better part of one earth year of my life that I would never get back. But … they were not really lost times, they were stages for me to gain understanding and – it had to be so excruciating, so that the lessons are not forgotten during the better times.
What I gained was a deeper understanding that – when people hurt us, it really isn’t about the person they inflict. T
They are hurting as well, but instead of dealing with it and looking at themselves in an honest way, it is much easier to outsource the pain and be an emotional parasite.
Feelings are just that. It is a starting point towards the root of our anguish and discomfort.
What made me angry was never about those aforementioned people, but everything to do with what I did and didn’t do. That’s what it took to come to a level of acceptance and a starting point to healing.
The truth is uncomfortable, at the same time, it will set you free.
A ruminating Heart 