In my earlier post, I wrote about an acquaintanceship that went awry as fast as the ingratiation itself. This is a reflective, contemplative follow up about moving forward when there is no closure, no apology. But – life must still go on. It’s an absolute must.
All I was left with was the question of: “what do I do with all this anger and grief?”
Anger has a way of twisting one’s perception and reality. It isn’t based on facts, it feels like you are caught in a situation that you weren’t prepared for?
I realised that, moments like these are an opportunity for growth (even though) there is darkness all around.
Pain is a little like: borrowing money from the bank. Just because I deny the sentiment, does not relinquish its existence.
Eventually, we carry that burden and in shows up in the body. Then – we begin to wonder how we got to this stage of our lives.
Denial has a higher price than I care to admit. It’s subtle, but insidious.
And …Trauma of any kind cannot be suppressed forever. Eventually, it will make itself known, whether we like it or not?
Pretending does not bring the solution I needed. It just bought me more agony that I have to constantly battle. Either way, it is hard, but doing nothing is equally excruciating.
Trying to be kind to yourself, when all I felt was injustice was a tad of a tall order.
But –
Emotions without reflection just leads you down a slippery path of self pity.
Everything in life needs a focal point and mine started with –
Why?
Why was I so angry? Where was that bulk of emotions coming from?
Trying to process complex emotions Takes time and honesty. You cannot heal under denial and darkness.
The uncomfortable fact was: I am allowed to remain miffed and slighted. At what cost? and how much was my inner peace worth? Those questions (in truth) were quite triggering.
I suppose I have seen first hand what unresolved trauma looks like and how it is perceived by an outsider? This gave me a varying perspective on my own struggle/s.
Holding up an honesty mirror, is the only way to gain control of our inner chaos.
People have told me to be kind and gentle to myself, and truth be told, I didn’t have any idea what that meant? But going through such an experience, I come to form my own understanding of what it means to be kind to myself.
It means, acknowledging the raw emotions and giving myself space to grieve and process and the ability to return to being angry because I am still in the recovery stages. It is not weak to admit that there are “negative” residues left in me. I am human with a series of complex feelings that are not fully understood all of the time. Not even to myself.
Because … if we want to practice self care and kindness, we need to be aware of our behaviour/s and its affect on those around us.
As I typed the lines above, it seems so obvious, but at the same time, not.
Society tells us that we should be able to get over things right away? But that is not how healing works. It’s a process of small (but deliberate) steps and stopping when it feels overwhelming.
This is what I have come to understand about being kind and gentle to myself.
If I can’t be gentle to myself, then who is going to be kind and gentle to me? Everything starts from within.
A ruminating Heart 