What would you do, if you knew the relationship you are in has run its course?
This was the conundrum I found myself in.
There was nothing inherently wrong with the relationship (per se) but I wasn’t going to be a better person, or be the person that I carved deep within. Like a plant contained within a small pot, where the roots are being constricted and constrained.
But if I leave, what would the future look like and may I … come to regret such decision?
This is the true price we all must pay to find the thing that calls our soul.
But on the one hand, I like the comfort. Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right? Yep. Until it is no longer conducive and hard choices had to be made. Or, as I found out, life will (invariable) force you to make them.
I wasn’t expecting the decision to be so dramatic, so drastic. That delaying my decision caused my body to react in ways that I thought the earth was going to swallow me whole.
At this particular juncture in my life, I was shaken awake running to the bathroom and hyperventilating like I had jumped out of a plane without a parachute. But three years to make a decision is a little too much for the (I don’t know what) The almighty? I am a professional procrastinator for the things that I perceive as s**t and (subconsciously) undesirable.
I cried so hard, like I have never cried before. I honestly believed that I was going to black out from all that crying. And I took this, as a confirmation and a green light to take action and be the master of my fate. Make those tears count.
The aftermath, I felt ambivalent.
On the one hand, there was a weight that had been lifted off of my shoulders, and a sense of freedom that I had not felt in a long time. On the other hand, there was this dread of starting all over. I was 29. Was engaged to be married.
A decade or more has passed and I have taken stock of my life. Everything in hindsight is so much more clearer and simpler.
If you’re wondering – did I regret my decision?
Well yes and no. Yes, when the times were tough and the path seems to have no ending. The thought of comfort and giving up, was never too far away. But what would stop me was the progress that I had made. To throw all of it away, for something familiar? But then again – that wasn’t an option either. I either moved forward or sink into a pity party of one?
I secretly knew the answer.
Being single for almost six years, there were definite lessons to be had. The thing about life, if you don’t learn them once, it will continue to teach you the same lesson over and over. Learning to be ok with yourself and learning how to be a good partner are not easy lessons to learn. If you’re wondering what I was doing with my time? Exactly that.
And then, I had to go out to the field and put them into practice. Why oh why?
Trying to date again felt harder than (and more high stake) than any job interview an adult will ever(have to) go through. And meeting men (who, IMHO) should not be on the dating circus. They really are not ready. All this – attempt (almost) made me want to become a nun.
So, was the risk worth it? Sure. It was. But I can only say this, because I have come out the other side (in pieces, but more enlightened in some areas of life) saw the light and (inadvertently) found what I was looking for.
So take that first risk.
Though it may be hard (initially), it will be worth it in the long run. If the desire of your heart keeps calling. Tend to it. It has something wonderful to offer you.
Much Love,
And I hope you take that risk and find what you are looking for?
A ruminating Heart 