This post is about family and keeping the peace.
The mind and the body are more closely connected than we care to believe. The body does not truly forget about the past.
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I come from a culture and country where keeping the peace is taken to the enth degree, putting the UN to shame. This notion is propagated everywhere you look (and go). The idea of face is deeply ingrained in many Asian societies, and whilst I think it can be good, like everything in life, taken to outlandish proportions can be detrimental to our state of mind.
The deployment of shame, covert anger, cold shouldering and outright gaslighting (that they don’t even under it to be gaslighting). And the imminent threat of being ostracised hangs heavy in the not so distant. This, is enough to keep many at bay. That invisible shackle is real.
There is this japanese proverb that aptly describes the society I grew up in.
“The nail that sticks out gets hammered”
Japanese proverb
All the smiles that hold a lot of unspoken pain and trauma, that goes unnoticed and unrecognised.
A prime example of this, is my family:
They put on a brave face when they walk out the door and put on a united front for the world to see. But deep down, no one wants to be near each other and wished for another life away from all the dysfunction. But what if your so-called “life line” is heavily dependent on family? And that is the beginning of it all.
Witnessing this first hand over one dinner, spoke volumes. Going out and one spoke to each other? It was so tense and awkward, I had no idea what to do with myself ?
Why do they even bother? I am sure there are certain motivators behind their actions.
But for a family unit to get to this stage, there would have been years of hurt and pain that had gone unresolved.
This showed itself through my cousin’s relationship with her husband. Given I have not had much contact with them, what was apparent to the naked eye was the fact that there was no relationship within the relationship. His level of covert anger can be seen in the tightening of his jaw and his perceived inability to speak up and stand up for himself.
There must’ve been too many of those moments.
So when we take that path of least resistance, choosing to accept the status quo instead of breaking it, that too has consequences. The body does not forget the trauma and pain just because we don’t speak about it, or pretend that it’s not there. It affects various aspects of our personal lives, especially our relationships with others.
I watched myself being unable to control my anger and emotions (at large), bursting into some variation of rage over something to someone, that seems minor. But it wasn’t the thing that got me worked up, it was the years of having my boundaries crossed and the sense of injustice. These actions are a combination of years of being told to keep the peace.
It hurt some relationships that were not salvageable. This is the hidden cost of not being able to “keeping the peace”.
What it implicitly says to us (the individual) that our thoughts and opinions don’t matter. This can get confused as something secondary.
In order to find that peace and courage to go out there and break the status quo, we have to acknowledge the so called “problem”. Asking ourselves some hard truths, as the truth will point us to the true origin of our pain. Everything starts with an acknowledgement. Without it,we cannot break the status quo.
When we understand the source of our emotions and where they came from, and what they mean, it is only then, can we start to address and confront the difficult situation/s head on.
So … Does keeping the peace, bring the peace and joy you went out to seek?
A ruminating Heart 