I used to think of courageous people as having no fear. But what I have come to discover is that, it isn’t that these people don’t possess fear. They have an inherent self belief in the things that they are trying to strive for.
“Conviction is the source of courage”
You see, I have never been terribly good at facing my fears. I’d rather shy away from it than to face it head on. (in the interim) it always feels good, but in the long run, it eats me up inside, knowing that I should be giving whatever dream or endeavour that I have set out to do with full gusto!
But the small lulling bout of doubt inside my head that competes with the small still voice of encouragement. To no one’s surprise, the doubt always somehow won out and I … capitulate.
This part about me was the source of my mother’s frustration. She could not understand why I couldn’t persevere long enough to see a breakthrough and she was sure (to make it known) to me her level of disappointment. What she had to say to me was hardly helpful (to say the least). With a bit more life experience under my belt, I have come to understand her level of frustration, (whilst observing) myself try something new and then give up at the moment’s notice of (slight hard).
Deep down, I really wanted to be proud of myself and also make my mother proud of me (hand on heart). What she didn’t understand was: I was battling with deep seeded insecurity and acute confidence issues. That feeling of failure and rejection outweighed the goal I had set for myself. I just couldn’t do it. Not yet, anyway.
It took a long time for me to reconcile with myself, that … giving up was no longer in trend.
But where does one find the courage to keep going in the face of so much uncertainty that requires the entire earth for personal faith, and an unshakeable self belief?
That was the question that plagued me for the longest time. It was not easy, the path saw so many inner struggles (both mental and psychological) that if this were a relationship, it would be a massive strain, or close to a break up. Between the tears and the private tantrums, I was wondering why I felt such a need to create so much anxiety in my personal life to achieve the thing my heart yearns for?
Am I … doing the right thing? Or am I just making another poor decision? At the time I couldn’t tell? but I was so desperate to seek something fulfilling that my soul and self can look back on and be proud. Let’s minus any external expectations.
“But a life worth living, rewards the brave and courageous”
Each and everyone has it inside of us, the ability to push forward and find our inner greatness and calling. But for me, I always found an excuse to try tomorrow or the day after, and soon – a year has passed. There is something inherently frightening the moment you start approaching forty and beyond, you really feel time moving at the speed of heat.
The motivational gear shifted when my perspective shifted and I gave myself the permission for the first time, to try (with the knowing) that failure is part of the growth and to say to myself that – if it hasn’t killed me, I am going to learn something from it. Everything is life, no matter how large or small presents us with an opportunity to take away some home grown truths.
Does it get easier? Sure, some parts. But, the thing with life, there is always something new for us to learn and grow from. Life wants us to grow and be an oak tree.
It is (however) up to us to choose the greatest within us and put fear to one side, in order to find the hero inside all of us.
Everything in life is work, even the shortcuts we all (at one point in time) try to take. The difference is: Will we allow ourselves to be our greatest hero? Or is good enough, enough?
It is these very dark moments and the sense of doubt, fear and buckets of insecurities that showed me who I am, not the good times. I am no different to anyone else.
Deeply flawed and perpetually looking for the great escape.
But if we want to be able to look at ourselves with flaws and all and still be ok, we need to traverse the road less traveled.
Conquer those small wins.
The little victory lap before the major prize.
It is exactly those mettle that shows us the hidden capacity that we may not even know was there. One win at a time.
So with that said, I leave you with this final parting:
“Where there is hope, there is courage”.
A ruminating Heart 